Saturday, 1 September 2007

How to deal with hurt

Treating others with respect, love and harmony is emphasized in Islam and bearing good manners is one of the most important aspects of our religion. Having good manners and not hurting others was the hallmark of the best of creation (Allah bless him & give him peace) and his companions (Allah be pleased with them all).

During our daily lives we interact with plenty of people; family members, friends, colleagues or mere strangers. Sometimes intentionally or unintentionally we end up hurting others, or get hurt by others and thus feel ill towards them and resort to backbiting which is labeled as a grave sin in Islam.

Sunnipath: Backbiting (ghibah) is a grave sin and is only permitted in certain exceptional cases, such as: mentioning to someone who will be able to get you your rights, asking a religious ruling, warning someone of the potential harms, about someone who sins openly, etc.

In order to get rid of the hurt and ill feelings we feel towards another Islam suggests talking directly to the person who hurt us in a gentle manner.

Sunnipath: As such, in normal situations it would not be permitted to backbite. What you should do is talk directly to the person who hurt your feelings and sort out matters with gentleness and politeness. Keeping your feelings in your heart will only make you suffer. It’s good to talk and sort out the ill-feelings that exist.

Further more
Sunnipath: Whenever you get a bad feeling towards somebody who has hurt you, make dua for her\him. This dua should be sincere and not condescending (i.e. not “O Allah, fix his\her many faults!”)—the scholars recommend, thus, that one ask for such a person’s good in this life first, and then their next life.
Remember that we deal with people for the sake of Allah, not their sake. Even when people err, they remain the creation of Allah: we love them for who they are, not what they do. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us that loving for Allah and hating for Allah is one of the signs of high faith.
It is not necessarily to be close to everyone. Rather, one gives people the rights due to them: we treat them well, deal with them with excellence—for the sake of Allah, following the beautiful example of the Beloved of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace)--, wishing all good for them, and being of good counsel to them when they have a worldly or religious need one could benefit them in. We should share in the happiness of one’s family members, friends, and those whom we have dealings with, and should seek to help them when they are ill or in need.

May Allah honour us with the best of manners.Ameen


Saira said...

thats what ive learnt in life
that the biggest anti-hurt and the biggest revenge is to forgive the one who hurt you and pray for their hadayat (righteousness) cos i think theres no process more painful than that of 'hadayat'!

Syra said...

Only those with big hearts can forgive..and then actually pray good for the person who hurt us...difficult thing to do..and i think such a prayer comes only if we care for another

there is an ayah which says Allah loves those who forgive (not exact words)

and i read somewhere that Allah mian hadayat sub ko nahee daitay, blessed are those who are righteous.

and when we are feeling bitter towards somebody, apart from praying good for the other person, we should also pray to Allah for ourselves,to help us get rid of the ill feelings.

and if God forbid we hurt somebody, Allah mian say tau mafee apnee jaga, we should make sure that we ask for forgiveness from the person who we hurt and make up to them. (these are my personal view)

Saira said...

exactly ... a sorry without making up to the person doesnt mean anything .... NOTHING at all ! ... it only ends up irritating the hurt person more !

Syra said...

irritate is a small makes the other person feel's like apolizing out of formality rather then out of basically the sorry doesn't far as my understanding of emotions is concerned if a person is genuinely sorry he\she will definitely make up to the person he\she has hurt...and that shows a person's real character and the truth of a bond b/w two ppl.

Sameer said...

I agree with most of what is being said here .. didn't get the meaning of this though ... Saira .. plz elaborate a bit ..

"..cos i think theres no process more painful than that of 'hadayat'!"

Saira said...

theres nothing in this world that u can achieve without going throug pain, everytime we want an A in any assignment we choose to go through the pain of researching, spending sleepless nights trying to solve the problem, and trying and trying and deliberatly trying to miss out on the (so called) fun of hangin out with ur friends, watching a movie/tv etc ... why!!? cos u want an A, and cos u know that even if this pain doesnt get u an A its gonna add a lot more to ur knowledge base !

this is how things work in this world ... associative learning ! :) ... the most painful things are the hardest to forget !

if u ever wanna teach somebody to stop lieing, do u think they are gonna stop if u just tell them so ? ... no ... they wont unless they get to live and feel some kind of pain associated with them lieing or them being lied by someone else!

if god wants u to be on hadayat, he'll test u and put u through pain so that u dont repeat the wrong, if he doesnt he'll let you do the wrong ur doing i.e. u'll never stop lieing cos nothing bad ever happened to u to teach u a lesson !

everything that falls in the list of hadayat can only be learnt by going through pain !

that is why i think pain is the biggest blessing of Allah ! no pain no gain :)

and heres what my favorite most ayah in quran says:
"with hardship lies ease" (surah-nashr)

i hope i made sense here :)

Saira said...

and Syra i totally agree with ur comment right above sameers comment :)

Sameer said...

I agree with some parts but disagree with some too ... First of all, I don't think pain has to be the only way for a person to learn or understand something.

And about getting A's, some ppl don't have to go through the pain :) .. it just comes natural .. (in no way am I talking about myself btw :) )

But coming back to the topic, I think hadayat ki dua is us asking God to let the person be guided .. to the right path .. to let the person understand his actions as being right or wrong ... and the means of it only Allah knows ... could be pain .. could be one of God's wonderful miraculous spectacles enlightening the person's beliefs and changing his thoughts. Only God's knows His ways so I think at our end we should just wish for the best for everyone and leave the means of doing that to God :)

P.S. you did make sense :)

Sameer said...

"exactly ... a sorry without making up to the person doesn't mean anything .... NOTHING at all ! ... it only ends up irritating the hurt person more !"

From the point of view of the person who got hurt ... a sorry Should mean Something .. even though he/she's fairly sure it's just a word and probably isn't a sincere one... phir bhi.. agle bande ke dil ka haal only he/she or God knows so the person who got hurt should trust the other person to be sincere (that's what I think).

Secondly.. apne taur pe .. you shouldn't be expecting anything more anyway .. if u decide to forgive the other person (and which u should in most cases) .. aap ko kuchh bhi expect nahi karna chahiye in return .. just feel glad that u've been put in a situation by God in which u proved urself worthy (in God's eyes) by forgiving and forgetting :)

Syra said...

a sorry that doesn't come from the heart means NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's just a polite way of saying yes, i realize that i hurt you but i don't care a damn! it makes u feel worse because it makes u feel worthless,specially if somebody close to you says that! (excuse me for using the word 'damn', don't know how else to express what i am tryin to say)
you don't know whats in another persons heart, you can only jugde by his\her actions.

yes, u should try to the bigger person and forgive the person. May Allah give us the strength to be like that.

forgetting is not easy, when a near and dear one hurts you..the pain doubles, triples..
some wounds never heal..prayers help though..that is why i believe you should make it up to the person you have hurt to ease things

the worst thing you can EVER do is hurt somebody emotions.

will get bak to your other comments as soon as i can, got a deadline to meet

Syra said...

it really depends on the context of the hurt..u could give credit to the person for saying sorry accordingly

Sameer said...

Hmmm .. What I've been trying to say is ... if u've hurt someone .. obviously the best thing to do is to say u'r sorry and mean it from ur heart and also try and make things up with the person. But I would still insist that the person who got hurt here shouldn't be expecting even a sorry .. because that is where things start getting worse .. he/she should just pray to instill peace in their heart and forget about the whole issue altogether and just pray.. if the person who has hurt u is someone of real value .. he/she would come back to you with regret and repentance for sure. But on the other hand if u expect an apology or even more and the other person disappoints you again then u start feeling even worse .. I know my beliefs and ideas seem idealistic and hard to achieve and trying not to expect of the people u care about is the hardest thing to do but in my opinion trying to do this is the best way for yourself.

Earlier, I did not mean to say that an insincere sorry should mean something.. you should just try not to be needing one in the first place..

Syra said...

sameer, when somebody close to you hurts you, it's NATURAL to expect the other to make it up to you...if he\she doesn't do that then yes you will feel bitter and worse, but on the other hand you should thank God, that He opened your eyes towards a HYPOCRITE who was fooling you and pretending to be your friend.

if you are expecting then it implies that the other person has build that expectation.

agar aglay bunday ko apnee ghaltee ka ehsaas hai I see no reason why he\she wouldnt make it up to the one he\she has hurt.

forgive n forget--easier said then done.

these are my opinions, and you have every right to differ and disagree :)

Sameer said...

well... we're not saying different things here syra :) .. i agree that forgiving and forgetting is easier said than done ... i just said one should try to do it ..

Neither did I ever disagree with the following statement :)

"agar aglay bunday ko apnee ghaltee ka ehsaas hai I see no reason why he\she wouldnt make it up to the one he\she has hurt."

Totally agreed.

Syra said...

i disagree to this bit
"But I would still insist that the person who got hurt here shouldn't be expecting even a sorry "
how can u not expect if a close one hurts u? the added hurt that will follow incase of dissapointment is another matter.

Saira said...

sameer people who seem naturally good at getting As in something at a point in life for sure have gone through pain for being that good (may be while working for some other assignent also ) at some earlier points in their lives.
No matter what level u are in life, to achieve the next level u have to go through pain!

ofcourse god choses his ways but but sometimes certain patterns are too obvious :)
its somthing which can only be observed and felt, me telling it to you wont mean anything :)
may be these words below will make you understand what i actually mean :):

i wanna highlight this in the article above
< " But why is it easier for a fortunate few..."
" It is tougher than you think. For the more they have, the easier it gets to forget. Their test is much more difficult than yours." >

and i think only pain brings u closer to god and being closer to god without any question means more hadayat :), once again on sairas blog i wanna quote iqbal here:

tu bacha bach kay na rukh issay,tera ayena hai woh ayena,
kay shikasta ho tau aziz tur hai, nigah e ayena saaz main.


Ethereal said...

Saira, Syra...
* head spinning in confusion *
Who's the 'real' one?

Saira said...

okk ... both of us are real! :P :)

Syra = Sairastar the blog owner
Saira = Saira Andleeb, Sairastar's friend :)

i think saira u shud put this in your blogs description, im sure it confuses everybody :)

Ethereal said...

Merci! That helped. :)

Ethereal said...

About the topic: I think indifference is an easier way to deal with hurt. Makes it easier to forgive because you don't have any grudges.

Syra said...

and how do u achieve indifference?

Ethereal said...

Just let go of your ego.

Syra said...

etheral, i don't understand....imagine (God forbid) somebody u r emotionally attached to,say your best buddy hurts u real bad. Now on one hand you feel extremely bitter and on the other u truly care for ur friend. initially both of u were strangers...i.e u were indifferent towards each other...but then u became close friends..there was trust and care.
now that u r hurt, it doesn't wash out the feelings u once beared, however pain has emerged. now how do u achieve indifference?ego kahan say aa giya? there is no ego.

Ethereal said...

You try to forget the hurt. Don't go back and lament over the bitterness. That's the point right? It's all about letting it go. Maybe it's about the strength of one's character how s/he bears with betrayal.

Actually in these kind of situations the aggrieved person in question would go on narrating her/is sad tale to anyone or everyone s/he comes across. And that doesn't really help.

Syra said...

yes, thats the point...u let go of it..what choice do u have...but..where is the ego?

Ethereal said...

Some people couldn't let it go because of their egos. Revenge, payback and stuff like that. It's a different story and I only gave an example. The point is there is always something holding you. You need to clear your mind of everything and try not to notice things. Go to sleep, read a book, stop noticing... divert your attention.

Ethereal said...

Feelings of anger are easy to dispense if your attention is diverted. And that is essential as it's never easy to forgive someone... in fact, never easy to do something rational when you're angry... well except if you want to break the neighbours' street lights :p

Syra said...

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

Ethereal said...

I'm not just saying these things out of nothing. These are based on my personal experiences. I've been betrayed many a times, rebuked, cheated and, once, even slapped by a girl in full view of general public for no obvious reason.

The way I deal with it is to just try to forget anything ever happened. And when I'm in a better mood (after blasting a few aliens in that latest shooter game I bought :p) I contemplate over it and try to put things straight. The mind is in a better position to think rationally when it is at peace.

When I look back I don't have any ill feelings against anyone. Most of the people I don't even remember. And those who I do I only pity them because of their ignorance. To put it straight I believe in 'forgive and forget' and not forgiveness which comes with lifelong memories.

I once told a friend that were I not slapped publicly nobody would have known about it, even I would have long forgotten that incident.

Ethereal said...

"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."

I agree here. Yes, some scars don't go away.

Syra said...

yupe,some wounds never heal, you just become used to bearing the pain.
I pray you enjoy life warming relationships in the future.

Sameer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.